It’s hard to believe that next week I will have been married for four months. Someone mentioned that it had been almost four months the other day, and I thought, “What?! Are you sure it isn’t more like four days?” I never thought time could or would slip by so speedily. When I was 16, I never understood my grandparents saying that the past 45 years have flown by for them. I couldn’t wait to grow up and to skip ahead a few years when life would be more “certain.” Time seemed to drag. I wasn’t as concerned then about my days wasting away, I just wanted to get to 18, then to 20, then to graduating college and starting my life. I’m here now and I can’t help but laugh: my life is much more uncertain now than it ever was before, but the difference is I find myself wanting to grasp every sweet, tender memory so tightly until it becomes apart of my heart. Even memories that may not touch my heart so kindly I want to remember that no moment may ever be wasted waiting for the future to arrive.
I want to remember every detail of his face where the morning sunshine hits and he smiles at me sleepy-eyed. I want to remember the smell of coffee in our first home together. Every bike ride and walk. Every single prayer-ones with so much joy we think our hearts may burst and ones with desperation, heavy hearts, and pleading for more grace and wisdom. The way he raises his eyebrow at me from across the room. Every meal we’ve shared together- delicious or not-so-edible. Every tear shed-happy or sad. Every misunderstanding. Every lesson. All the laughs that made our sides hurt. The tickle fights. Every failure. Every color bleed or stain from one of us mixing our laundry incorrectly. Every greeting at the door after a long day apart. Every unexpected expense. Every undeserved blessing. Every flower given. All the hours of lost sleep discussing theology, or silly names we (wouldn’t actually) name our children, or trying to beat each other’s embarrassing stories, or what God is teaching us. Every note left. Every smile. Every joy. Everything.
Marriage is so much better than I thought it would be. (and I thought it would be pretty dang great.) I know, I know. I’m just a naive newlywed, but is that so bad? My thoughts recently have been on how important it is to be intentional in marriage and life. To process those memories, to know that I can’t actually keep them locked up so safe and tight, but I can learn from them and keep making more, while still cherishing them. To appreciate everything Brad is to me and does for me as well as isn’t to me and doesn’t do for me. To appreciate and thank God for every little thing He sends our way. I have been thinking lately about how there are parts of my newlywedness that I don’t ever want to lose and I don’t think I am supposed to. I don’t want to lose how undeserving I feel every day to be his wife. I don’t want to lose the desire to be together even for mundane grocery shopping or oil changes. I don’t want to ever be ungrateful when we do get to do those things together. I don’t want to lose the sparkle in my eye when I see him. I don’t want my prayers for God to make me the wife he needs to ever stop being a daily thought and priority. I don’t want to ever stop feeling the weighty need of God’s grace, provision, and guidance in every moment. But wait… that last one so easily waxes and wanes.
So I have decided to stay a newlywed forever. I think it’s the way to be-in marriage, but also we are to be intentional in seeking to be the bride of Christ that knows we need him every day. That is so excited to open up and read his Word and spend time talking with him. To finds it pure joy to serve him at every opportunity. That loves to talk about how great He is and how good His love is to other people.
I want to be a wife that never loses that sparkle for her husband, but in order for that to happen, first I must be the daughter that never forgets how much she needs her Father and never stops basking in Jesus work on the cross.
"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14